Doctors, Nurses and Kidney Babies

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written by owen on 2009-Oct-20.

So I happened to get sick last week. I don't know what it must have been menapause, swine flu or whatever new virus is being promoted on CNN. I can't seem to get far enough away from people, nowadays. Anyway after 2 or 3 days of being literally on fire, I was advised to go to the doctor. Gone are the days when I was young and could bounce back from anything. All I had to do was brush my teeth, drink something bitter and get a good night's sleep. Dam being old. At least they did not sent me to Florida. So sit back and let me tell you my story;

So I roll up to the doctor. Never been to the place. It was close to home and I didn't know how long I had to live. They made me sign up, like I'm getting a new email account. I tried to tell them whats wrong but the receptionist didn't seem too interested - she handed me a form and a pen. I filled it out and proceded to wait. Waiting only brought back memories of me waiting for my mother, who is a nurse. Hospitals are all about waiting. I thought I would be in and out but the receptionist was playing hard to get, she must have been a lesbian or a model, she was really skinny, I didn't like her much after she made me wait. I recalled that old woman who died in the wait room in America - they got alot of money but they were no cameras in here so I was out of luck. She wouldn't listen and sent me off with my file into another room to wait.

I waited.

Eventually I could do nothing else but look at the ceiling fans spinning rapidly. I pondered how easy it would be to get a serious injury from sticking your hands into the blades. I would teach them to make me wait. Then, a nicer, cuter nurse came up to me and she checked my blood pressure - she wouldn't tell me what it was and made be pee in a cup. Pee I had been saving from said morning because I knew they wanted that stuff, pee and blood - dam vampires! I went into the bathroom and filled it halfway up, skillfully, ensuring that nothing was dripping from the sides, I didn't want her to think I was sloppy. She asked me to hold it and she dipped a strip of paper in it and told me to throw it way - WHAT A WASTE! I'm thought she was going to study it! No wonder there was no cover on the little bottle. I was beginning to despise her. I'm sure that she could have found out everything she needed to know just from a few drops, like on CSI. What kinda patti shop is this? People are so backwards nowadays. She made me wait.

I waited.

The doctor called me into his little room. I didn't tell him I had looked up my symptoms online and that all the nurses won't listen but I didn't want him to think I was a hypochondriac. So I told him my symptoms. And each time he would ask me a question and he would write it down in my file in very bad hand writing as if he was doing a crime scene report. "Do you have allegies?" he said, "Does pain count as an allergy?" I replied, he didn't get the joke, I could tell he was not pleased. He continued with the questioning. I could see his head spinning like a devil child tied to the bed in The Exorsist movie. I wondered how much he made per month especially since he charged me $1200 JMD just to see him - it must be a tidy sum. I told him I was hot and feverish. He asked the nurse to take my tempture. He when away, probably to count the money he had already earned that day. It was 10am.

I waited.

I starred at the custom made 2 step stairs he had at the side of his operating table. I thought to myself how the conversation would have gone that led to the creation of that block of wood. He must have said; "You know what I need? 2 steps so that really short or old people can easilly climb up on the bed. Yes, I must have them, Nurse! fetch me so steps! 2". I laughed to myself, trying to prevent the themostat from falling from between my arms. It was a little electronic thing. What happened to the cool long glass tubes filled with mecury? Somethings just aren't then same. He came back, said that I'm not burning up and it might just be all in my head. I wasn't liking him much at this point. I retorted and I demanded some antibiotics. He made me lie on the bed and checked my kidneys and bladder. They seemed ok, thankfully. But he still wasn't sure. He wrote me up some antibiotics and said I should get a Ultrasound scan thing. I am pretty sure I wasn't pregnanat but I wasn't so sure I had kidneys or a bladder. You never really miss things until they are gone. I would kill 2 birds with one stone and put my doubts to rest.

I took the paper and left. Got an Ultrasound appointment a half an hour later, I wasn't in the mood to waste time and if I left it for another day I might end up never doing it. Worst yet I may be at the US embassy trying to get a VISA and realise that I have no kidneys to give them - I would have no one to blame at that point. I don;t get sick or go to the US, very often, at least so far in my life. I don't know how old people put up with this bull. When I was in high school a classmates said; "you see people like you? when unnu get sick one time, unnu just a go dead!". I didn't like her much after that. I started to look at her differently, like she was a evil obeaya woman. The cap fit me too well.

I could have lived a happy life without her input.

The Ultrasound place was a short distance away but I had to stop at the ATM to withdraw the $5000 it cost to get it done. They said I should drink lots of liquids before I got there so I bought an orange soda. I was tired of the fruit punch I was drinking the day before trying to kill whatever was afflicting me - I was tired of all juice - I was beginning to question its purpose. I arrived at the Ultrasound place. They took the paper from me and took my money. They too didn't seem concerned with my symptons. They told me to go into the waiting room and drink more water. I told then I had drank, they said I should drink more until my bladder was full. I asked "but what about my kidneys?", they gave me a funny look and pointed to the cups by the cooler.

I drank.

I was drinking water for about and hour. The taste of water was becoming sickening. I could feel it rushing around in my stomach, it was lunch time and I didn't feel the ugre to urinate. I told them that it was pointless, just let me go in I am sure my bladder is full. This time it was a female, she told me to climb up on to the bed. She didn't seem to have a sense of humor. I wanted the gown but she said all I have to do was pull my shirt up and expose my six-ish pack but then she poured cold gel over me and stared to rub me down. So that what its feels like, cold gel on warm skin, I shuttered like a pregnant woman. She took her probe out and started to rub it across my abs, I could not make out anything on the screen. She exclaimed; "your bladder is empty! go back outside until it full.". Shocked I said to my self; "empty? wtf".

So I spent the next hour drinking water.

Don't ask me where all the water went, but after the 2 hour mark it just decided to rush into my bladder - all at once. I was going to piss my pants for sure. I was pacing around the waiting room until it was my turn again. Same procedure, except this time every move she made across my stomach brought me closer and closer to release. I was seriously fretting. She asked me to inhale and hold, exhale and hold, lie on my side, lie on my back. I tried to look on the screen but I could not tell if I had kidneys, a bladder or even if it was a boy or girl. It was just a mess of rice, not even in HD, unbelievable in this day and age. By the time she was done I was wet all over and on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off - I hope she was satisfied. Afterwards I went to the bathroom, I peeing pure water I could virtually....well, then waited some more. The receptionist called me up and gave me a letter for my newly aquired doctor. "Thats it?" I replied with ernest, "where are the pictures and the print outs and stuff?", "thats all you get" she said. "So how am I going to prove that I have kidneys?" I walked away in disgust. I proceded back to the doctor.

I waited.

"So you have kidneys" he said. "And it appears you have a bladder too, and they are normal". "So oh ok" I replied relieved that I had not flushed then down a toilet or forgot them during a random game of football in high school. "So it appears that there is nothing wrong with you, take the anti-biotics, and you should be better by week's end". I took my file and I left. At least I didn't have to pay to see him a second time. At the end of the day I can say without a doubt - I HAVE KIDNEYS!

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  1. well, you should be proud of your kidneys and bladder--that makes you, what, like a vertebrate or something.

    I'm appalled at the lack of information available to you. The nurse would not tell you your blood pressure? What kind of foolishness is that? I could see them not giving you print outs of an ultrasound but they ought to discuss things with you.

    by Gods Child 2009-Oct-20 

  2. Invertebrates have kidneys too. I guess she felt that it was useless information. As long as it is not high, then who cares? Maybe it could go on my resume? [upset]

    by owen 2009-Oct-20 

  3. like which ones?

    by Gods Child 2009-Oct-21 

  4. I have no clue, I imagine its the invertebrates that eat solid food

    by owen 2009-Oct-22 

  5. around here you have to be bleeding from a knife or gun shot.

    by owen 2009-Oct-30 

  6. The whole procedure of waiting to die sounds about right. Next time ill pull a stunt. I too only get sick maybe once a year when the seasons change or once every two years when i decide to wash my hair at 2am. Why does everyone have to do a Urine test? What was the result of that? Maybe the urine test wasn't accurate in revealing if you were really pregnant so they decided an ultra sound would be best.

    If you were in the country, some bayrum and alcohol and wrap you up in sheets would get the fever away, instead you spent $6200 + gas+ priscription antibiotics+liquids to make your bladder full and what did you get? You are ok.

    by Tami 2009-Oct-20 

  7. I haven't filled the prescription since the marathon water drinking made me feel better. I should try it for fun sometime.

    by owen 2009-Oct-20 

  8. around here if you say you have chest pains you get seen faster. . .
    not saying you should fake it, just saying. . .

    by Gods Child 2009-Oct-21 

  9. God's Child sounds like she was a JACKET! She devious, rasta! LOL!
    Owen, I love this nice juicy long post!

    by Mad Bull 2009-Oct-24 

  10. once in a blue moon, dude, I was tired just writing it.

    by owen 2009-Oct-30 

  11. although i see the seriousness of this story its so damn funny!!!

    by juicybeef 2009-Nov-10 

  12. Hey Owen, I laughed until I cried, this one is really very funny, I understand that you were ill but it was really funny.

    by Georgia 2010-Sep-11 

  13. This is from 2009, I was not in the mood to write about my recent adventure with the flu.

    by owen 2010-Sep-16