I finally found the bug in one of my pet projects that I had been working on over the Christmas. Now I can move on to other things that want to kill me slowly. I have come to rely on the skills of others rather than thier hopes and dreams. I am older now, I cannot spend all my time working on hobby projects - as much as I would like. I need to focus but focus is hard when the world is filled with people posting dumb articles that surmount to nothing more than a pile of ransid leaves.
My words elude me. I have not written anything since like the year has started - even. I keep thinking that this may be the last time. But life goes on so I write because I must. I must soldier on because at least at my funeral there will be not shortage of reference literature from which to draw from in order to bring forth a gracious speech or at least an essay. I hate funerals, going away parties, do not invite me - I will not attend.
My birthday is fast approaching. I have resolved that music CDs are the only thing that can make me happy. Jah alone can give I satisfaction. I have renewed my passport and I have no idea what I am going to do with it. The year 2015 came to an end just when I was beginning to like it. It seems the best part of the year is the period after your birthday like going down a hill with no breaks at full speed. weee! I am good at being uncomfortable.
The irony of life is that you might never know what actually ends up killing you to death. It could be that time you forgot to brush your teeth before going to bed. Or that extra cupcake you had at the Christmas office party. It could be that sermon on the mount that left you so stressed out that a blood clot developed in a major artery. It could be words that you never said - constipation. Red peas.
There is a third level of understanding where you can see a problem and choose not to solve it - just to leave it alone. Live and let die. In a life of solving problems and looking beyond the wall. Maybe it is a learned form of skepticism. Knowing that there might be things that I cannot solve so I just avoid all discussion of it for fear of stopping. Though stopping is certain. No one wants to stop right now. So we continue on the simpler problems until the real hard problems unravel themselves. Maybe it is a form of patience.
It's been a long dry Christmas but the rain finally fell today. If only for a short while. I can feel the cold breeze on my skin and smell the scent of rain - whatever rain smells like, I am not really sure. But I am alive. We are alive. For another year. Â It's been fun, annoying but fun. Happy New Year.
I could have used a different title but I find that articles written in that formate are a waste of the reader's time. Half-truths and entertainment. They are usually written by "writers" with no experience with the subject matter, merely mimicking established memes like a gear rotating on an axis. R&B songs. Leaves floating on the surface. Over and over in a harmony. A Never changing drum beat. BS. Holding on for their cause. It is pointless to keep dragging these things around in a world where we have so much choice?
I got a new CD, new music. A CD is a piece of plastic that you put into your radio and it spins. I am really loving it. The songs play in a set order and are at really high quality. I could die tomorrow and I would have been glad to have lived to this point. I am trying hard to be humble as you can see. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am not. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am not. I can only be one person at a time. What will I be tomorrow?
I sometimes spend my time doing things to keep my brain occupied because I cannot live on love alone. Its not all about making money. I have to keep searching and swimming around in my own world hoping to find the answer. I do not worry about what will be around the corner tomorrow or what someone may have left around there yesterday. All I know is that you only have one life to live and limited choices in living it, the best you can - in the time you can. No regrets. No crosses to bare. No crosses given.
It could be, in truth and in fact that we are building a big ship just so we can crash it into the rocks. We could just be blindly moving forward, brick after brick (or wood or whatever you are building your ship out of) building this thing up so that we have the biggest crash possible. Maybe we just innocent by standers and idlers in a great stage play that is on a ship almost like the titanic that is destined to run a shore.
Nothing is a mystery anymore. I have learnt my lesson. I no longer sleep to dream. I am full of kisses. If it doesnt kill me then it will only make me stronger. The moon will keep dragging my tide until I or it escapes into space - free. Time is nothing but the "stop" and the "go". Count your blessings. Time provides the answers that we wondered about when we were young. Hello from the otherside.
I miss it a little bit. But at least now I, we have all the answers and you can work on fun little projects at a pace which is not limited by sacrifice or compromise. Like right now I am slowly working on a game that is 5 years in development. It is in my own world. We all enjoy the madness. We know that one day we will fade away so we pretend to be more than just regular people, doing regular stuff, taking the tourist paths. Never finishing what we start.
As I grow older the things I like are more fuzzy. I am no longer a kid in a candy shop. My dentist says I should come more often as she stares at me through her thick glasses prescribed for her near-sited-ness. She needs to work less often. The things that annoy me are more prevalent. I am not waiting for lunchtime or for Friday cause inside this fet is my home. The world is amazing. I just have to figure out what part of it I should be enjoying right at this moment. Its hard to tell. Hearts a mess.
It is interesting to see how facebook reacts when someone dies. The network effect spreads like wild fire until our mothers start asking if they know the friend of a friend who is being RIP-ed. There is a certain finality to death. Other things in life you can recover from, sway back and forth or hope for a better future. We all cope in different ways. No one know what will be the death of us but at least you can love the life you live - even if its not perfect. Dont worry about life and give the best of you. Live the life you love. Do not spend your time being a self-righteous nuisance - desperate to connect.
Bottle caps seem to be the most common thing to wash up on a beach and at the same time the most dangerous for sea birds. Mostly the plastic ones. In various colours. They can bob around in the water forever. Most things in nature are born, grow and eventually die. Plastic bottle caps are forever. The sea is a mess.