Doctors, Nurses and Kidney Babies

written by owen, published 2009-Oct-20, comment

So I happened to get sick last week. I don't know what it must have been menapause, swine flu or whatever new virus is being promoted on CNN. I can't seem to get far enough away from people, nowadays. Anyway after 2 or 3 days of being literally on fire, I was advised to go to the doctor. Gone are the days when I was young and could bounce back from anything. All I had to do was brush my teeth, drink something bitter and get a good night's sleep. Dam being old. At least they did not sent me to Florida. So sit back and let me tell you my story;

So I roll up to the doctor. Never been to the place. It was close to home and I didn't know how long I had to live. They made me sign up, like I'm getting a new email account. I tried to tell them whats wrong but the receptionist didn't seem too interested - she handed me a form and a pen. I filled it out and proceded to wait. Waiting only brought back memories of me waiting for my mother, who is a nurse. Hospitals are all about waiting. I thought I would be in and out but the receptionist was playing hard to get, she must have been a lesbian or a model, she was really skinny, I didn't like her much after she made me wait. I recalled that old woman who died in the wait room in America - they got alot of money but they were no cameras in here so I was out of luck. She wouldn't listen and sent me off with my file into another room to wait.

I waited.

Eventually I could do nothing else but look at the ceiling fans spinning rapidly. I pondered how easy it would be to get a serious injury from sticking your hands into the blades. I would teach them to make me wait. Then, a nicer, cuter nurse came up to me and she checked my blood pressure - she wouldn't tell me what it was and made be pee in a cup. Pee I had been saving from said morning because I knew they wanted that stuff, pee and blood - dam vampires! I went into the bathroom and filled it halfway up, skillfully, ensuring that nothing was dripping from the sides, I didn't want her to think I was sloppy. She asked me to hold it and she dipped a strip of paper in it and told me to throw it way - WHAT A WASTE! I'm thought she was going to study it! No wonder there was no cover on the little bottle. I was beginning to despise her. I'm sure that she could have found out everything she needed to know just from a few drops, like on CSI. What kinda patti shop is this? People are so backwards nowadays. She made me wait.

I waited.

The doctor called me into his little room. I didn't tell him I had looked up my symptoms online and that all the nurses won't listen but I didn't want him to think I was a hypochondriac. So I told him my symptoms. And each time he would ask me a question and he would write it down in my file in very bad hand writing as if he was doing a crime scene report. "Do you have allegies?" he said, "Does pain count as an allergy?" I replied, he didn't get the joke, I could tell he was not pleased. He continued with the questioning. I could see his head spinning like a devil child tied to the bed in The Exorsist movie. I wondered how much he made per month especially since he charged me $1200 JMD just to see him - it must be a tidy sum. I told him I was hot and feverish. He asked the nurse to take my tempture. He when away, probably to count the money he had already earned that day. It was 10am.

I waited.

I starred at the custom made 2 step stairs he had at the side of his operating table. I thought to myself how the conversation would have gone that led to the creation of that block of wood. He must have said; "You know what I need? 2 steps so that really short or old people can easilly climb up on the bed. Yes, I must have them, Nurse! fetch me so steps! 2". I laughed to myself, trying to prevent the themostat from falling from between my arms. It was a little electronic thing. What happened to the cool long glass tubes filled with mecury? Somethings just aren't then same. He came back, said that I'm not burning up and it might just be all in my head. I wasn't liking him much at this point. I retorted and I demanded some antibiotics. He made me lie on the bed and checked my kidneys and bladder. They seemed ok, thankfully. But he still wasn't sure. He wrote me up some antibiotics and said I should get a Ultrasound scan thing. I am pretty sure I wasn't pregnanat but I wasn't so sure I had kidneys or a bladder. You never really miss things until they are gone. I would kill 2 birds with one stone and put my doubts to rest.

I took the paper and left. Got an Ultrasound appointment a half an hour later, I wasn't in the mood to waste time and if I left it for another day I might end up never doing it. Worst yet I may be at the US embassy trying to get a VISA and realise that I have no kidneys to give them - I would have no one to blame at that point. I don;t get sick or go to the US, very often, at least so far in my life. I don't know how old people put up with this bull. When I was in high school a classmates said; "you see people like you? when unnu get sick one time, unnu just a go dead!". I didn't like her much after that. I started to look at her differently, like she was a evil obeaya woman. The cap fit me too well.

I could have lived a happy life without her input.

The Ultrasound place was a short distance away but I had to stop at the ATM to withdraw the $5000 it cost to get it done. They said I should drink lots of liquids before I got there so I bought an orange soda. I was tired of the fruit punch I was drinking the day before trying to kill whatever was afflicting me - I was tired of all juice - I was beginning to question its purpose. I arrived at the Ultrasound place. They took the paper from me and took my money. They too didn't seem concerned with my symptons. They told me to go into the waiting room and drink more water. I told then I had drank, they said I should drink more until my bladder was full. I asked "but what about my kidneys?", they gave me a funny look and pointed to the cups by the cooler.

I drank.

I was drinking water for about and hour. The taste of water was becoming sickening. I could feel it rushing around in my stomach, it was lunch time and I didn't feel the ugre to urinate. I told them that it was pointless, just let me go in I am sure my bladder is full. This time it was a female, she told me to climb up on to the bed. She didn't seem to have a sense of humor. I wanted the gown but she said all I have to do was pull my shirt up and expose my six-ish pack but then she poured cold gel over me and stared to rub me down. So that what its feels like, cold gel on warm skin, I shuttered like a pregnant woman. She took her probe out and started to rub it across my abs, I could not make out anything on the screen. She exclaimed; "your bladder is empty! go back outside until it full.". Shocked I said to my self; "empty? wtf".

So I spent the next hour drinking water.

Don't ask me where all the water went, but after the 2 hour mark it just decided to rush into my bladder - all at once. I was going to piss my pants for sure. I was pacing around the waiting room until it was my turn again. Same procedure, except this time every move she made across my stomach brought me closer and closer to release. I was seriously fretting. She asked me to inhale and hold, exhale and hold, lie on my side, lie on my back. I tried to look on the screen but I could not tell if I had kidneys, a bladder or even if it was a boy or girl. It was just a mess of rice, not even in HD, unbelievable in this day and age. By the time she was done I was wet all over and on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off - I hope she was satisfied. Afterwards I went to the bathroom, I peeing pure water I could virtually....well, then waited some more. The receptionist called me up and gave me a letter for my newly aquired doctor. "Thats it?" I replied with ernest, "where are the pictures and the print outs and stuff?", "thats all you get" she said. "So how am I going to prove that I have kidneys?" I walked away in disgust. I proceded back to the doctor.

I waited.

"So you have kidneys" he said. "And it appears you have a bladder too, and they are normal". "So oh ok" I replied relieved that I had not flushed then down a toilet or forgot them during a random game of football in high school. "So it appears that there is nothing wrong with you, take the anti-biotics, and you should be better by week's end". I took my file and I left. At least I didn't have to pay to see him a second time. At the end of the day I can say without a doubt - I HAVE KIDNEYS!

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Labour Beach Day

written by owen, published 2009-May-25, comment

Since I've moved to Kingston/Portmore, Labour day seems to be closely associated with the word "beach". I remember when I lived in the country you couldn't even sleep past 6 o'clock. They put the actual "labour" into to labour day. Now I'm as lazy as the common Joe, mostly because I'm a old man and I'm conserving my fat reserves for the winter. But back in the day "when I was a boy", no rock was left un-white-washed or lime-stoned, (whatever they call that white powdered paint). The multiple little projects and the streets in the my community would be "spic and pan" (clean) by lunch time which was important because man caan work without food.

I guess times have changed. Its hard to organize anything in communities like Portmore when the people who live there are like duppy at a nine-night. Even the movie theatre closed 2 years ago - THE ONLY movie theater. But I guess people got to hustle the money. I imagine that the design of the "quads", adds to the whole lack of "community spirit". When you can see two neighbors but only hear the other two through the walls at late hours of the night building furniture, taking it apart or whatever construction them doing.

Back in the country where we used to have 20 to 30 families living in a circle on the side of hills. I remember one time when the entire community gathered to watch me bath in the back yard, time of my life. Flash forward several years later when people live, like rows of corn and a community has a 100 families living and working at all hours, it would be pretty hard to organize anything, much less build a air of trust and camaraderie with each other. There are are small groups here and there, I not even going to mention church people, thats a whole other post. Times change, people change, money changes, maybe we need a "Labour Week" to get things organized. We have the key in or hands all we have to do is find the lock. Off to the beach!

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Paintball - St. Thomas - Lessons learnt

written by owen, published 2009-Mar-28, comment

In the format of a list for easy reading;

• The taller you are the more shots you get in the face.
• They make you sign a pre-nup before you can play.
• It really only hurts after the first 2 times. After that you don't even feel the pain.
• Most women will always camp out for as long as you have ammo in your gun, leading to waiting in vain or loss of load.
• You are not too young to get shot in the ass.
• Super low jeans will result in lots of ass out a door.
• Bring your own juice and food, cause there is nothing there but hot dogs and expensive bottled liquids.
• If you shoot the judge you'll have to strip.
• The guns have plastic caps that will fly open if you shake the gun or hold it upside down. If your paint pellets fall out, dog nyam you supper because dem not going to let you put them back into the gun.
• Apparently small teams of 5 versus 5 is better than big teams. People tend to hide more when there are alot of gunners. I'm not fond of hiders and campers. Dam you all.
• People who hold the paintguns up in the air will tend to lose there balls or come on themselves.
• The air cans on the guns make them heavy. My wrist is killing me.
• The place is really not that far from Kingston. Its a 15 minute drive.
• The water paint dries quickly, you may want to wear old clothes.
• You get to spent more time if you go in the off season when everybody isn't on holiday. When people are waiting they'll want you off the course as quickly as possible.
• One hour is a really, really short time, especially when certain people come late.
• Overall it was a good time, well worth the money for the initial go, not sure about the cost for refills or loss of load.
• We'd like to thank the women on the other team for the post game entertainment.
• Next time we could try some one on one, lol. Just to settle any outstanding grudges.

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Bring you own water

written by owen, published 2009-Feb-11, comment

You can always expect a price jump in any and everything at an event in Jamaica

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Strange Staff Cuts All Over

written by Kenton, published 2009-Feb-07, comment

Now its no doubt that there is a global crisis going on where jobs are concerned. At first I thought my eyes were decieving me as I woke up this morning. I saw something very unusual. From a distance I could smell an awful stench, which usually turns out to be a dead cat or dog of some sort close by.

To confirm my believes I saw a john crow circling up above. To my surprise Mr. John Crow was working solo on the project. I even made sure that I waited to see if the others were at lunch or late for work but Mr. JohnCrow was indeed working alone. So is it that the john crows are cutting back on staff. tek serious ting mek joke, lol. Don't say I didn't told you so. Long time I have seen any egrets either, cows must be cutting staff 2.

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