Things that come easy are often only easy for some people and other people cannot see the effort behind the task. This is fine. The problem is when you seek constructive feedback when everyone thinks that you will take it badly. I think people are being converted into marketing billboards. You can see that I am really trying to stop and write my thoughts down as I did in the past. Memories don't live like people do. But I guess I will see you when we get there.
I often feel like I have lived this life before. Sometimes you don't have to feel the cold to know that it is real. Trust me bro I believe you, good luck with that. Sometimes you are not finding solutions, you are just shifting problems around. You are directing your attention to the wrong thing. You cannot understand because it is just how you are and it is ok. It is as they say; you never really understand until its over.
Other than that which we give away for free we are nothing but the sum of our parts. The more you realise that some people (probably everyone) lives in their own private/public hell. The more you understand why they feel lonely and would want have company. Because humans are communal beings. When you are not aware of the hell in which you live and that you just want company from people who are trying to avoid that hell then you are kinda stuck going in circles.
I was gonna start out this blog by recanting how I am not writing as much as I used to but why bother reliving the past? One should forge ahead creating new paths of destruction or profit or whatever the better word is. What matters is that you keep moving. Keep flying up and up in the never ending search for the sun. I am just gonna write this down and end this paragraph here. It might not be much but at least it's something. Something written down. Of course in a computer but whatevs.
A thought just dawned on me about what I miss about CDs and MP3s. I miss the point in time where you hear a song that you like and the song has other songs that play before and after. It creates a bookmark in my mind that is hard to replicate when you are streaming random music. You cannot really hold on to something that has no time or space. This is why I rarely even listen to music on the radio. I listen to curated playlists that the internet pushes out everywhere "For You". I don't want anything custom or personalised.
I need to go to the dentist, the car serviced and pay some bills all before christmas. The sooner I get these things done the better. because I just want to cruise through the season and watch the world burn. I just want to chill and not be apart of the chaos. I have seen it all before. If there is something I have to do I will muster up the strength to do it but besides that leave me alone as I sink into whatever video game or hobby that I find myself consumed with at that point in time.
There is this saying; that the bus that is going to hit you has already left the depot. It means different things to different people but the gist of it is that you should not worry about the future. The future will handle itself. Some people see destiny as something you make. But I had a new revelation; maybe the bus has already hit you. Maybe you are in a hospital bed of life and all your future sins have been paid for in full.
People are often more than they seem at the point when you see them. There is no direct way to aggregate a person into a whole. We all have to do something and the things you have done before are all bookmarks in our journey to the present. They can't be all things to everyone. We exist in points. We choose the best version of ourselves to fit the situation. It is a survival technique. Never curse the things you survive. Never betray your former self.
There is always the temptation to redo things in the past in the hopes of changing the future. The past and the future are separate things. This is a thought experiment that exists in separate spaces. The past is 2 things The future is 2 things. You exist in one but think about the other. You are never in both. In the future you think about the past And in the past you think about the future.
I have been really bad at updating the log book due to being lazy or habitually taking pictures all the freaking time. But I cannot complain, it is addictive; like a new age drug that you inject right into your sub concious brain. I need to balance it out but alas as with any drug you get sucked in sink or drown or whatever the water gives you. You need to spend your time doing something - might as well do something you enjoy. No regrets.
Nothing really matters in the end. All that matters are the things you give away for free and the people you help along the way. The experiences are bus stops along the way. A random sequence of occurrences lined up in a neat little row for your enjoyment or suffering. Or both.
Being thorough and patient often is its own curse. Once I find something I like I end up in a sort of corner where I have eliminated all other options and nothing else can quite live up to that thing that I found. I often find myself going back to the state where I had not found that thing - just for the kicks. But then always ending up at the same end zone: Hoping for a different result. Amazed at how amazing everything is but the amaze is limited to that one thing that is not even that amazing but is close enough.
Being thorough and patient often is its own curse. Once you find something you like you end up in a sort of a corner where you have eliminated all other options and nothing else can quite live up to that thing that you found. I often find myself going back to that unfound state, then searching endlessly but always ending up at the same place. Hoping for a different result. Amazed at how amazing everything is but then narrows down to that one thing that is not even that amazing but is close enough. It's just how I am.
You will rarely catch me talking about my personal projects. Its not because I do not like talking about them but because I dont want them to become "work". I just do them because they peek my interest at the time. The last thing I want is somebody to ask me about it every time they see me. Especially when I am not actively in the zone of that project. Some of my projects are really rapid fire, quick stops in the bathroom while others are multi-year collect-a-tons.
There is this one bar that I have been wanting to take a picture of for about a week now. I saw a project on insta. The trick is that the picture only works if the bar is closed. But the place never seems to be closed! I went there on a sunday morning at 8am and it was open with dudes hanging out washing a car in front. I went there on Ash Wednesday at 10am - it was open. 5pm after work and yup - its open. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!