written by owen on 2006-Aug-18.
I'm breaking my own rules, becoming someone else. No I'm not really angry and I know you care a lot about what people think, probably too much. If anything I should have let my intentions known sooner, we probably could have avoided our present state. Who knows what could have happened, no use going over the past without learning anything from it. I try never to regret anything that I've done and attempt to make the best of what is to come in the future but thats just my personality, I don't expect you to be the same. Maybe the only thing that makes me angry about you in this situation is how you played around with the fact that I was seriously interested in being with you. Maybe it was a defense mechanism or something.
I should have been more aggressive, sooner, so as to get to the penultimate point. Rather than passively watching you cut off any form of intercourse which got out of your to control. I suppose that when all else failed, you realized that I am not the kind to give-in or "take a hint". I guess in making a pretense of shyness or modesty you intended to irritate me to death. Truth is I admired you too much. I wanted to see if there was a possibility the casual acquaintance, rabid monkey or holiday that came around once a year like a christmas, could in fact be more than a friend. I was not going to be de-railed quite as easily, no matter how many rivers I had to cross or valleys high. Had I world enough and time. I may have been stubborn - foolish even, but I was determined not to change my attitude or position on a whim or minor discomfort. Determined, it through, I was to see, sink or sail, no white flag.
I had good intentions, I don't know what they are now - I've had too much time to think. The thinking gets in the way. When push come to shove, everybody's gonna put the blame on me for loving you. Maybe if it was up to me I could make life ripple free. Everything would be perfect, perfectly perfect. Nothings perfect, sometimes you've got to jump first. As much as your probably uncomfortable about the whole thing, why should we focus all our energy on things that bring us down? The past can't be undone. There doesn't to be a way to be redeemed. I don't want to cause you more worry than you are already enduring. I am sorry for whatever there is to be sorry about - not that I regret any of it. I would not have exchanged it for the world.