written by owen on 2020-Apr-04.

Often times people will try to catch me "mid-process" and be like "ahh ha caught you slipping!" Then be annoyed when I try to explain why I did what I did instead of something else. They will think I am merely coming up with an excuse. But in truth I have the ability to stop anything I am doing and shift focus to something else in an instant - to leave thing undone - live and let die. So to someone who is watching me keenly from the outside, this is nerve racking. Like driving without know if you are going crash. It is really hard to calculate why I would do or not do something that I had already started. While in my mind there are so many leaves in the tree and trees in the forest and little monkeys in those trees eating fruit. You have to learn to let go.

My surface area is pretty thin. Mostly by choice but it could also be destiny or luck or devine intervention or whatever - everything changes because it must. It could be a great irony and I am the star of the show. Even if you think its real it could change at any point. This is how life is - you just have to move forward with time and learn from your mistakes. Try to keep everything in line. Grace might have brought us here.

People often ask if I am nervous and I want to say to them that I only feel that way when someone like me gets murdered. But people would rather hear the simple answers to the obvious questions. People want you to play out the movies that they watch on television - they want the fiction to be real. Maybe they do not care about reality or reality is too boring. Maybe we get together to forget.

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