Right now I should be studying for exams. Reading powerpoint slides trying to familiarize myself with inconsistent information. Instead of typing idioms into my laptop, monkeys in my head. The process often seems a tedious dread until I find something to clear my head or fall asleep. Sleeping helps me forget until I wake up but I can't go to sleep too soon or I'll dream about bank girls and little packets of ketchup. Procrastination is an art.
I have a ton of things to do. Problems to solve. Seems like everybody has a mission or evolving objectives that need to be completed in a random order. "The knowers know because they are the slowest and therefore see all". I got that from a mix tape. Love is a mix tape. One song at a time. I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.
2 exams this week. If I make it through, without regret and nobody calls my phone, I could have, in theory, a good week - next week. This is a note to self so that I remember to have a good week. Buy energy efficient appliances. I'm crying everyone's tear's.
Stunner commented: I find so many things to do appart from studying for my exams and sometime I'm genuinely busy with work. i hate school!
I like the new look of the blog. [smile] ... read 3 more
I don't know sunshine, I'm your fool, your great and wonderful and weird and such a positive, loving person, that it scares me sometimes. I don't have words. Because you amaze me in so many ways. I feel that I'm going to be so lost in the moment, I'm going to want more of you, more than you can give me and I'm going to lose hold of everything that I have. Forever lost in the moment. Plummeting towards the earth like a falling bird. We'll get lost, but you'll recover and go back to your normal life and I'll be left hanging on - wanting more, needing more, feeling as if I've been cursed, drifting out into space with no hope of coming back from your high, my high. At some point behind all the colors is black and white.
I guess my friends are right, my life is for rent. I get into these relationships with unavailable women so that I can taste the love but never deal with the consequences. Never having it all for my own. I ask for too little. I'll play along and then break away as soon as everything starts to hold together. Or I'll make sure to be distant and not create standards which I would be required to maintain. Keep it at a constant, steady, casual flow until it either simmers out or she hates me or her bubble bursts. Avoiding the real issue, living too much in the moment, like a monkey, avoiding anything that may result in me falling, loving and all those other illogical things that happen where there is no gravity. Keeping my feet on the ground. I know this now, you were my lesson I had to learn. Nothing I have is really mine, so I deserve anything I get. I never complain. I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new.
I cannot remember what I was thinking when I was basking in your glow. You were having an effect on me. But its not so bad, you fill me with glee and its hard to rub off. I miss it, I long for it, and when it wears off I search for more. And the more I get the faster it disappears and the more I want it back and the more I lose track of the time. My planet will drift dangerously into your path, get burnt up and then get flung into the cold depths of outer space. Things will never be the same. We both knew what we were getting into. Your heart is not open so I must go. When you prayers are not fables let me show you how much I care. It seems such fun until you lose what you have won. Thanx.
Two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed. I'm home now and it has or maybe its the same. I'll try to forget for one more night that I'm back. Thrown into this cruel-cruel world once again like a caterpillar with wings. I've started to feel the emptiness in everything. God only knows what fantastic hell has broken out since I've been away. I smile though, know that in the midst of all the chaos SOME BODY HAS GOT TO BE RASS HAPPY. Well the trip to suburbia was not all a boring book or two. I saw my moms, sister and met my noisy niece. I take comfort in the things I can't control, and worry about - consistent insecurities. Spider webs that snag wings. I never really learned the meaning of it all.
Maybe you love me, maybe you don't. I gave you all the love I got. Your heart is not open so I must go. You were my lesson I had to learn. I'd wash the sand off the shore. When you come back down. When your grass is green. If you land on your feet, I hope you find a way to make it back to me. You were my last high. Don't nobody know my troubles with God. I can't hate you, though I have tried. Love is stronger than pride.
I am writing this, as I have written this so many times before. Cautiously, like a will and testament or as if the last one that I'll ever write. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to lie, so this is goodbye. I bought a notebook while I was away. Wrote on a couple pages in my boredom until I found something to occupy my mind and make my eyes hurt so bad. In the words of my favorite author "inspiration comes from pain and sadness". Should have added boredom. There are only so many leaves on a branch, time to take flight.
On an average supermarket store shelf, you will see that strawberries are sold in packets of six. I noticed this, like how I notice crazy people on the side of the street, peeing in the corner of a wall. Apparently strawberries are jealous, heartless and conniving fruits. Having more than six in a packet would result in a bloody war or state of armed conflict resulting in murder. June Plums on the other hand are all ugly-a-like and are comfortable beside each other in great numbers. Apples could care less. In an extreme case, a couple shelves down, I found (and was tempted to buy for no reason) cherries which were stacked very bueatifully in sets of fifty. I smiled.
I not so often visit this supermarket. Its the best thing that I've ever seen. I can buy pre-seasoned meat and throw it into a frying pan. But I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can never decide what to get, so I always buy the same things. Unless there are other people there to influence my thoughts and desires to drive me crazy. Never buy coconut water that comes in a can - ever. I need an exit, I'm disgruntled. Well I know that its a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now. Dreams are for fools, they let you down. Vacation time.
The dirty little bank girl stopped by the tomatoes and fondled them. I cannot imagine how often per day those tomatoes were squeezed and smelt and rejected. The best of you. Many times I imagine. And this would all seem new and fascinating to them for the first couple a days. I thought it weird, they all looked perfectly fine to me. I would have just taken up a couple, marry them and be merrily on my way. But I guess I can't see as far, as clear. That is, if I bought tomatoes, in a supermarket, on a thursday night, using a check. I saw another woman come up to the tray of tomatoes like a deer to a watering hole and fondle. Some people just love riding the brakes. Where 2 or 3 are gathered together. I conceded that it must have been some sorta ritual. Thought nothing more of it and moved on, who am I to question the odd, strange, or eccentric sexual pleasures that tomatoes bestow? If it makes you happy.
yamfoot commented: i can always depend on you for a laugh. what you watching the people feeling up di tomatoes for??/
anyway, i love going to the supermarket. the people at Food Fair must be wonder how come i in there so often. sometime i just go in and look and come out without anything. ... read 11 more
Don't be too hard on my emotions. I need time to save enough love for you. Have a little patience. Dreams and reality separated by bulletproof glass and blacklight. Give me a change to make cents. I tried the automated teller machine before, I didn't like how she counted my money, exactly, without a care or flaw. Your imperfections are what make you special. No one can replace you. On causal fridays you wear regular cloths because you cannot be corrupted by the other, dense, people that exist in your presence - your are special like a 2 dollar US note. I dread the day when my liens out weigh my balances and you are no longer my special teller. Why do all good things come to an end?
We talked for 20 minutes but as soon as the conversation was over you had forgotten. Somedays when your not a work I wonder who basks in the warmth of your glow. If I told you that you were bueatiful would you date me on the regular? There is always nothing or too much to say. There are only so many checks that I can deposit in a month, only some many chances to move in your waiting line. Only so many form fields that I can ask questions about before our time is done. Only some many forms to fill out, accounts to open, money to save and lines to join. I know that its a wonderful world but I can only see it when your here with me.